Beneath the surface
Like a duck swimming on a pond, the person who often looks serene on the surface, may be churning emotionally below. Just because someone that you know appears to “have it all together”, doesn’t mean that significant issues don’t exist in their lives.
Ways to use this in therapy:
In couples therapy: Just because one partner may not react or respond outwardly to triggering events does not mean that they aren’t affected by the events. People will respond in a myriad of ways to the same stimuli. Very often, partners will act like they aren’t affected, but that fact doesn’t prove that the partner is calm and collected. Often, when a partner cares very deeply about the relationship, and doesn’t know how to soothe the distress of his/her partner, the person will will ignore or stonewall the distressed partner. He/she hopes that if they “don’t rock the boat” and stay outwardly calm, that the storm will pass and the relationship will survive.
Holmes and Watson on a Campout
Brittney Harrell from “A Joke a Day.com”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said:” Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?”
Watson said, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes: “And what does that tell you?”
Watson: “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”
Holmes: “Somebody stole our tent.”
How to Use this in Therapy:
CBT: Explain that people can see the same facts from many points of view and reach vastly different conclusions, but that doesn’t mean that they are crazy, evil, or wrong. Once we realize that there a many legitimate ways to view a situation, our possibilities for life increase.
Couples/Family therapy: Explain that children and teens are often used to seeing the world in an egocentric fashion— that is, they feel that the universe “revolves around” them and they have difficulty understanding the points of view and feelings of others. While this may be a normal developmental process, in order to have a successful relationship that can weather misunderstandings, we need to learn to understand issues/feelings/behaviors from the mind of another person. When we finally get to the point where we can value another person even though they are different in outlooks and approaches, we have made a huge stride toward “relationship resiliency.”
The Swimming Pool
Adapted from a retelling in the book “Real Love” by Greg Baer M.D.
You are a salesperson dying to meet with a certain CEO to pitch a product. You get invited to a swanky poolside party at an elegant mansion and you hear that the CEO will be there. “Great!” you say to yourself. You go out and buy a very expensive silk suit, get your hair professionally styled, purchase the finest new designer leather shoes, get a manicure, and a skin treatment. You look great! You’ve been practicing your pitch till you can say it in your sleep and you are excited to attend this party.
So, you arrive at the glittering gathering. You survey the space and see a huge pool with a couple of teenagers swimming in it. You see the verandah in front of the mansion with tables full of food and drinks and beautiful people all around. In between the pool and the verandah is a tall hedge that provides some privacy to the swimmers. Soon a server with a tray offers you food and drink and you gratefully accept, all the while scanning the party for that CEO. Just then, you see him. He’s standing near the hedge, away from the party, and he’s alone. “This is my chance!” you say to yourself, and you make your way over to him. You introduce yourself and slip into your presentation – smooth as honey. And guess what? He’s really listening to you! You are so excited as the words just spill out of your mouth and he appears riveted.
Suddenly, from over the hedge, comes a splash of water — and it lands on your shoulder. You glance at it and are a little perturbed because you know you might never get the water stain out of silk. “Stupid kids!” you say to yourself, but you don’t want to interrupt the momentum of your presentation, so you just paste on a brave smile and refocus on the CEO. You keep talking and he is asking questions in return.
After about ten more seconds, from over the hedge, comes an even bigger splash of water! This time it drenches your whole backside. You gasp in indignation. “Hey!” you yell over the tall hedge, “Cool it over there! People are trying to talk!” The CEO furrows his brow and steps back from you. “Please, don’t worry,” you say to him, “let’s get back to what you were asking . . . “ And you resume your conversation.
After about 15 more seconds, from over the hedge, comes a tidal wave! It hits you full force and soaks you completely from head to foot. Your suit is ruined. Your hair is ruined. People are looking at you in disdain and the CEO backs off as if to say, “Hey, you are a disaster magnet. I’m outta here.” He turns on his heel and leaves you fuming. You’ve lost the contract. You are embarrassed. The whole night is a failure— because of those stupid kids in the pool!
You are ready to kill somebody. You ball up your fists and march around that hedge. “I’m really going to give them a piece of my mind! How selfish can they be? I TOLD them to keep it down and they just ignored me!”
But as you round that hedge, instead of seeing thoughtless teens, you see a woman who is drowning. She is floundering, gasping, and you see the panic in her eyes as she splashes helplessly.
Instantly, all your feelings of vengeance and anger are swept away. “She needs my help!” you think and you even consider jumping in to save her since you are already wet. You grab a life preserver and throw it to the woman and save her from tragedy.
But you wonder to yourself, “I still lost the contract. My clothes are still ruined. The CEO still thinks I’m a loser.” You pause, thinking, “But I’m not angry at her. I didn’t yell at her. In fact, I had compassion on her – even though she created a big problem for me. So what changed in me?”
Ways to use this in therapy:
CBT: Tell the client that the answer to that question is that the salesman’s thoughts about the splasher changed. And instantly, when our thoughts change, our emotions can quickly follow their lead. The sales person didn’t have to read books on forgiveness and meditate for long hours to get over the hurt. In a large measure, the hurt just evaporated!
EFT and Couples and Family Therapy: Discuss how much terror the woman was experiencing as she was drowning. Ask, “Did she splash you on purpose?”
“Of course not,” the client will say.
“Why did you get splashed, then, if she wasn’t trying to hurt you or ruin your day?”
“Well,” the client often thinks, “She was desperate, and I just happened to be close by.”
“Right,” you respond. “Now, think of this— if she had been a confident swimmer, peaceful and happy, would she have splashed you? When you are happy, peaceful and confident, do you go around splashing people on purpose?”
The client will inevitably say, “No. And if I accidentally splashed someone I would apologize immediately.”
“That makes sense,” you say. “So I want you to think carefully about people who are ‘drowning emotionally’. A lot of people are ‘drowning emotionally’ meaning that they are in pain, desperate to survive, but they don’t know how to cope with their distress. So, they splash people. Especially, they splash the people who are close by – and that might just be you.” Let the client respond to that, and possibly continue with, “So when we go through life and ‘get splashed’ by other people, you can avoid becoming defensive and angry and hurt if you can understand the emotion beneath the splashing. Pain, fear and desperation lurk under the bad behaviors. We can learn to respond to the underlying emotion with compassion and support rather than react to the superficial behavior with anger and hurt. AND,” you might add, “When you find yourself ‘splashing’ other people, you can actually learn to have more compassion for yourself!
Streams of Water on a Mountain of Sand
Lisa T. Hansen, PhD
adapted from Eva Berlander (2012)
Learning to interact in new ways with a partner is like what happens with sand and water. Imagine you’re at the beach, and you have a big mountain of sand. You pick up a bucket of water and pour it on the top of the sandpile. The water runs down the sides of the sand mountain in dozens of little rivulets. The next bucket of water you pour on the top of the sandpile makes rivulets too, but a lot of the water finds the same places the previous water ran down and makes those a little deeper. By the time you pour a third and a fourth bucket of water ontop of the sand, the water seems to find the deepest rivulets to run down.
How to use in therapy:
When you are practicing new ways of sharing yourself with your partner, it’s like taking a bucket of water to the top of the sand, the water is going to want to run down into the old pathways. But if you slow the process down, and pour the water in other places slowly and carefully, you can create new pathways that are deeper and more attractive to future buckets of water. Every time you slow the process and avoid the old pathways, the new ones become deeper and deeper, until the old crevices are hard to find and the running water always finds the new ones.
A Hand in the Jaws of a Dog
Contributed by Lisa T. Hansen
(Eva Berlander attributes this to Daniel Siegel. (citing Daniel J. Siegel, Allan Schore, Michael Stone, Bessen Van der Kolk, Marion Solomon, Francine Shapiro and John Lang, “Understanding and Treating Trauma.”)
Thomas Edison’s Disastrous Fire
Details from Charles Edison, 1961 Reader’s Digest
When Thomas Edison, the legendary inventor was 67 years old, and at the height of his fame, a huge explosion engulfed his research campus in flames. Ten entire buildings housed Edison’s life work and were loaded with chemicals. This combination created a conflagration that attracted many of the local fire departments. In dismay, the inventor’s son, Charles, ran to his father to ask what should be done. With the orange explosions reflecting in Edison’s eyes, the innovator said, “Go get your mother and all her friends. They’ll never see a fire like this again.”
Edison was quoted in The New York Times as saying, “Although I am over 67 years old, I’ll start all over again tomorrow.”
Read more: http://www.businessinsider.com/thomas-edison-in-the-obstacle-is-the-way-2014-5#ixzz37DolJxqS
Hidden Wedges
From a speech given by Thomas S. Monson in April 2007
(Samuel T.) Whitman wrote: “The ice storm [that winter] wasn’t generally destructive. True, a few wires came down, and there was a sudden jump in accidents along the highway. … Normally, the big walnut tree could easily have borne the weight that formed on its spreading limbs. It was the iron wedge in its heart that caused the damage.
“The story of the iron wedge began years ago when the white-haired farmer [who now inhabited the property on which it stood] was a lad on his father’s homestead. The sawmill had then only recently been moved from the valley, and the settlers were still finding tools and odd pieces of equipment scattered about. …
“On this particular day, it was a faller’s wedge—wide, flat, and heavy, a foot or more long, and splayed from mighty poundings [—which the lad found] … in the south pasture. [A faller’s wedge, used to help fell a tree, is inserted in a cut made by a saw and then struck with a sledge hammer to widen the cut.] … Because he was already late for dinner, the lad laid the wedge … between the limbs of the young walnut tree his father had planted near the front gate. He would take the wedge to the shed right after dinner, or sometime when he was going that way.
“He truly meant to, but he never did. [The wedge] was there between the limbs, a little tight, when he attained his manhood. It was there, now firmly gripped, when he married and took over his father’s farm. It was half grown over on the day the threshing crew ate dinner under the tree. … Grown in and healed over, the wedge was still in the tree the winter the ice storm came.
“In the chill silence of that wintry night … one of the three major limbs split away from the trunk and crashed to the ground. This so unbalanced the remainder of the top that it, too, split apart and went down. When the storm was over, not a twig of the once-proud tree remained.
“Early the next morning, the farmer went out to mourn his loss. …
“Then, his eyes caught sight of something in the splintered ruin. ‘The wedge,’ he muttered reproachfully. ‘The wedge I found in the south pasture.’ A glance told him why the tree had fallen. Growing, edge-up in the trunk, the wedge had prevented the limb fibers from knitting together as they should.”
. . . there are hidden wedges in the lives of many whom we know—yes, perhaps in our own families.
How to use this in therapy:
Individual, Couples and Family Therapy: Discuss how unresolved issues of trauma, pain or developmental setbacks can lie undetected for years with no apparent damage. These issues may damage the person’s natural resilience to stress. New stressors can reveal weak points that may show up as mental, physical, emotional and cognitive symptoms. With serious stressors, the person may experience a serious break with reality, a “nervous breakdown”, or a breakdown in a relationship. While it may be best to address these issues early on, a skilled therapeutic relationship can assist to resolve the buried issues, remove the barriers to healing and reinforce the strengths that lead to resiliency. Without this work, the client may suffer significant distress in the future.
Individual, Couples and Family Therapy: Old grudges are like hidden wedges. We may continue life as if these grievances don’t affect us, but the eventual outcome could be very negative. When we hold on to resentment, we are damaging ourselves much more than we might realize. When we let go of these hurts, we protect ourselves from a future damaged by negativity.
Heaven vs. Hell
Anonymous
Hell, said the wise philosopher, is like an ornate banquet hall, larger than any earthly palace which houses an enormous dining table filled with the most exotic delicacies, the richest desserts, the finest meat and wine. Surrounding that sumptuous feast are people who are nearly mad with hunger – they haven’t eaten for days. Each person finds himself in the same condition: One of their hands is chained behind their back and the other hand is welded to a three-foot long fork. In Hell, each person struggles to stab the food with their impossibly long forks and to place it into their mouths which are impossibly far away from the skewered food. They groan, fight, and struggle to steal from others. They cry in frustration over their inability to satisfy their hunger.
Heaven, on the other hand,” the philosopher continued, “is like an ornate banquet hall, larger than any earthly palace which houses an enormous dining table filled with the most exotic delicacies, the richest desserts, the finest meat and wine. Surrounding that sumptuous feast are people who are nearly mad with hunger – they haven’t eaten for days. Each person finds himself in the same condition: One of their hands is chained behind their back and the other hand is welded to a three-foot long fork. But in Heaven, rather than fighting to fill their own mouths, the people in Heaven reach their long forks of food across the table and they feed one another.”
Ways to use in therapy:
EFT and Attachment theory: Explain how humans seem programmed to engage in relationships. Although we can probably struggle alone to meet our needs, the likelihood increases for achieving sustained happiness and contentment when we are part of a well-attuned relationship. Research also shows that as a group, people who are in relationships with a secure attachment live longer, have fewer illnesses, make higher incomes, and express greater overall contentment than people lacking such relationships. Discuss how to engage in a “well-attuned” relationship which allows us to interdependently rely on others to meet our needs and vice versa.
Dairy cows and good fences
By Joan Landes, ACMHC
Dairy cows give about 8 gallons of rich milk a day if they are fed, watered and kept in a low stress environment. But there is a reason that the saying was invented: “The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.” Cattle seem “hard-wired” to test fences, seek the weak spots and exploit them to escape to new and exciting green pastures. And once they escape, and learn that the fence is breachable, a long time must elapse testing very strong fences before they finally give up trying to find holes.
But for milk-producing dairy cows, another consequence of weak fences occurs besides breaking out. Weak fences actually decrease the cow’s milk production! Dairy farmers will tell you that if a cow if habitually walking along the fences, pushing against them, trying to hook a horn to bring it down, or a spot they can jump over, they simply cannot relax enough to produce an adequate supply of milk. Day after day, as they test their boundaries, if they find those boundaries weak, they will continue to push, press or jump those boundaries. Meanwhile they simply don’t produce enough milk to earn their keep.
If, however, the farmer takes great pains to strengthen the fences, to build them solid, strong and high, the cows will gradually give up the quest to crush them. And when they aren’t as anxious to breach the boundaries, they are able to relax and produce the milk they are genetically capable of producing. It’s as if they say to themselves, “Well, if these fences are strong enough to keep me in, then they must be strong enough to keep the predators out. I can relax at last.”
Ways to use this in therapy:
Family, Couples and Individual therapy:
Ask the client why boundaries are important and how they might have trouble with boundaries (either establishing boundaries or respecting boundaries). Discuss how clear and safe/strong boundaries actually engender a sense of safety and confidence for all concerned. Discuss how to establish boundaries that validate (rather than endanger) the relationship. Discuss the concept of an “extinction burst” and how the testing of strengthened boundaries may actually increase temporarily before it decreases. Talk about how children and teens may be “hard-wired” to test boundaries in an effort to determine if they can relax and feel safe in their families. Chat about how children and teens may be able to better focus on their developmental tasks if they don’t have to worry about “who’s in charge” and whether that person or persons are strong enough to protect them from harm.
Break a Leg!
Contributed by Cari Mitchell, LMFT
Psychotherapy is much like physical therapy–it sometimes hurts a lot for the healing and improvement to take place. But eventually improvement does happen and the pain lessons or even goes away completely. The process is often painful, but worth it.
Ways to use this in therapy:
For all clients–Therapy is not often easy but can result in great benefits, so don’t shy away from the effort involved. The pain isn’t a sign that it isn’t working, it is often a sign that it is working!
The Hiding Place book cover, displayed edition published by Bantam Books in 1974
Be Grateful for Everything— even Fleas!
Here is Corrie Ten Boom’s famous true story from her book The Hiding Place. Corrie and her sister were Christians who were imprisoned in a concentration camp (Ravensbruck) for hiding Jews in their home.
We lay back, struggling against the nausea that swept over us from the reeking straw.
..Suddenly I sat up, striking my head on the cross-slats above. Something had pinched my leg.
“‘Fleas!’ I cried. ‘Betsie, the place is swarming with them!’
“‘Here! And here another one!’ I wailed. ‘Betsie, how can we live in such a place!’
“‘Show us. Show us how.’ It was said so matter of factly it took me a second to realize she was praying. More and more the distinction between prayer and the rest of life seemed to be vanishing for Betsie.
“‘Corrie!’ she said excitedly. ‘He’s given us the answer! Before we asked, as He always does! In the Bible this morning. Where was it? Read that part again!’
“I glanced down the long dim aisle to make sure no guard was in sight, then drew the Bible from its pouch. ‘It was in First Thessalonians,’ I said. We were on our third complete reading of the New Testament since leaving Scheveningen.
“In the feeble light I turned the pages. ‘Here it is: “Comfort the frightened, help the weak, be patient with everyone. See that none of you repays evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to all…’” It seemed written expressly to Ravensbruck.
“‘Go on,’ said Betsie. ‘That wasn’t all.’
“‘Oh yes:’…“Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus.’”
“‘That’s it, Corrie! That’s His answer. “Give thanks in all circumstances!” That’s what we can do. We can start right now to thank God for every single thing about this new barracks!’ I stared at her; then around me at the dark, foul-aired room.
“‘Such as?’ I said.
“‘Such as being assigned here together.’
“I bit my lip. ‘Oh yes, Lord Jesus!’
“‘Such as what you’re holding in your hands.’ I looked down at the Bible.
“‘Yes! Thank You, dear Lord, that there was no inspection when we entered here! Thank You for all these women, here in this room, who will meet You in these pages.’
“‘Yes,’ said Betsie, ‘Thank You for the very crowding here. Since we’re packed so close, that many more will hear!’
She looked at me expectantly. ‘Corrie!’ she prodded.
“‘Oh, all right. Thank You for the jammed, crammed, stuffed, packed suffocating crowds.’
“‘Thank You,’ Betsie went on serenely, ‘for the fleas and for–’
“The fleas! This was too much. ‘Betsie, there’s no way even God can make me grateful for a flea.’
“‘Give thanks in all circumstances,’ she quoted. It doesn’t say, ‘in pleasant circumstances.’ Fleas are part of this place where God has put us.
“And so we stood between tiers of bunks and gave thanks for fleas. But this time I was sure Betsie was wrong.”
“Back at the barracks we formed yet another line–would there never be an end to columns and waits?–to receive our ladle of turnip soup in the center room. Then, as quickly as we could for the press of people, Betsie and I made our way to the rear of the dormitory room where we held our worship “service.” Around our own platform area there was not enough light to read the Bible, but back here a small light bulb cast a wan yellow circle on the wall, and here an ever larger group of women gathered.
“They were services like no others, these times in Barracks 28.
“At first Betsie and I called these meetings with great timidity. But as night after night went by and no guard ever came near us, we grew bolder. So many now wanted to join us that we held a second service after evening roll call.
There on the Lagerstrasse we were under rigid surveillance, guards in their warm wool capes marching constantly up and down. It was the same in the center room of the barracks: half a dozen guards or camp police always present. Yet in the large dormitory room there was almost no supervision at all. We did not understand it.
“One evening I got back to the barracks late from a wood-gathering foray outside the walls. A light snow lay on the ground and it was hard to find the sticks and twigs with which a small stove was kept going in each room. Betsie was waiting for me, as always, so that we could wait through the food line together. Her eyes were twinkling.
“‘You’re looking extraordinarily pleased with yourself,’ I told her.
“‘You know, we’ve never understood why we had so much freedom in the big room,’ she said. ‘Well–I’ve found out.’
“That afternoon, she said, there’d been confusion in her knitting group about sock sizes and they’d asked the supervisor to come and settle it.
“But she wouldn’t. She wouldn’t step through the door and neither would the guards. And you know why?”
“Betsie could not keep the triumph from her voice: ‘Because of the fleas! That’s what she said, “That place is crawling with fleas!’”
“My mind rushed back to our first hour in this place. I remembered Betsie’s bowed head, remembered her thanks to God for creatures I could see no use for.”
Ways to use in therapy:
CBT, Positive Psychology, Couples Therapy
Gratitude is a well-researched resilience strategy. We can use gratitude as a thought replacement in the moment or as a journaling assignment for daily use. There are at least 3 levels of gratitude:
1. Notice the good things. Too often we don’t even notice the roses at our feet.
2. Notice all the good parts of these good things. Pay attention to the smell, feel, design, and beauty of each rose.
3. Be grateful for the thorns. That’s right. Learn to actually be grateful for the setbacks or challenges in our lives. This gives the greatest resiliency to people.
Internal Thermostat
contributed by Joan R. Landes, ACMHC
Some of the pioneers who came west in covered wagons eventually decided to move to the very hot deserts of Arizona and northern Mexico. My great-grandfather was one of these men. He and his sons did extremely hard physical labor in the hot sun just to try to eke out a living where there was never enough rain. Eye witnesses say that they worked so hard, that one time, the son took off his shirt and wrung out the sweat like water.
As the father and son were riding in a buckboard one blistering summer day, the son complained about the sweltering weather. “It must be 130 degrees out here!” the youth said to his father. “How can anybody stand it out here? This is terrible!”
The young man’s father said nothing but looked straight ahead, driving the horses.
The son looked at his father and said, “Dad! You’ve got to be hot too — you are in the sun just like I am, but I never hear you complain a lick about the weather! Aren’t you hot and miserable?”
“No, Son, I’m not,” said his father. Then tapping his chest, the man said, “I make my own weather inside.”
Ways to use this in therapy:
When discussing the internal vs. external locus of control, discuss how we can tell whether each person in the story was oriented externally or internally. Discuss how an internal locus of control contributes to resilience.
With CBT, discuss how the father’s internal self-talk or schema about reactivity contributed to his resilience and equanimity. Ask, “What types of self-talk weaken our resilience and what types strengthen it?”
Developing an “Emotional Ear”
When beginning music students start to learn an instrument, they often don’t have much of a “musical ear”. It is difficult for them to hear the difference between low and high notes, intervals, chords and the difference between major chords (the happy sound) and minor chords (the sad sound). Some students even seem “tone deaf”! But gradually, over time and with practice, a student can develop a well-attuned musical ear — able to detect the smallest nuances of change in musical notes.
In psychotherapy, we hope our clients will develop an “emotional ear”. What does that mean? That means that our clients can stop being “tone deaf” to their emotions and the emotions of others. A client who learns to be “emotionally attuned”can detect very small changes in their emotional states without waiting for a major dissonance to occur before responding to distress. When clients develop a good “emotional ear” they can intervene in their own and other’s mood changes when very small and minor. They don’t wait for the crash and burn before they say, “Hey, something is wrong here!”
Ways to use in therapy:
With CBT you can demonstrate the small emotional changes that occur by replacing negative thoughts/language with positive thoughts/language. If clients can detect these small changes early, then small interventions can often create great results. Ask: What small indications tell you that your mood has shifted? What could reverse that if needed?
With EFT you can express to the couple that when they are “emotionally attuned” to one another (and themselves), they can make small adjustments in the “dance” in the moment rather than missing the cue and having to make larger “fixes” later on. Ask: What are some small signals that you notice in your partner? What are some small signals you notice in yourself?
A Resilient Heart
Most everyone has experienced a broken heart or hurt feelings. It is part of the human condition. But what do we tend to do after we have experienced that heart-felt pain? Most of us decide to shield ourselves from any more pain by defending ourselves with emotional armor. “I’m never going to get hurt like that again!” we tell ourselves, ” so I’m going to protect myself in the future!” Then we armor up with all sorts of defenses: anger, intellect, denial, avoidance, addictions, busyness, work, leisure, distractions, conflict, cynicism, etc. Anything to protect our hearts from vulnerability and the possibility of feeling more pain.
But what’s the problem with shielding ourselves with impenetrable armor? That’s right — we don’t feel any pain, but hey, we don’t feel ANYTHING. We are numb. We miss out on joy, love, tenderness, empathy, bonding, sharing and a host of other human gifts. So what’s the solution to a fragile heart that might get hurt?
The solution is not to shield one’s fragile, brittle heart, but to develop a resilient heart. A resilient heart isn’t fragile and brittle. It is more like a rubber ball— it can take a few emotional “hits” without shattering. It can even be “slam dunked” by life events and a resilient heart will eventually bounce back. A resilient heart doesn’t need armor.
Fr. Alfred D’Souza said the goal of life is to “love as if we’ve never been hurt before.” When we develop a resilient heart, we can approach that goal without endangering ourselves.
Ways to use in therapy:
In couples therapy, explain that our relationships can become hardened and brittle if we armor up against each other. Ask: What are ways that you defend yourself so you won’t be vulnerable to being hurt again? How does that make your relationship cold and brittle?
Discuss what a resilient relationship or resilient heart would be like. Explain that with counseling, couples can learn to have more resilient hearts. Our relationships (or hearts) can be warmed up and softened through various soothing strategies so they don’t turn cold, hard, and brittle.
Wait and See
Contributed by Jason Nelson, LMFT
Many years ago in China, an old farmer lived alone with his only son. One day, they were harnessing their horse to plow the field and the horse suddenly bolted, broke out of his harness and ran away into the mountains. All of the people came from the village and said, “Oh that is just a terrible tragedy! You’ve lost your horse and can’t plow your field. You will starve!”
The old man said, “I don’t know if it’s going to be bad for me. We’ll just need to wait and see.”
After a week, his horse returned home at the head of an entire herd of wild horses. The villagers came and said, “This is such good fortune! You now have an entire herd of horses to add to your farm!”
But the old man said, “I don’t know if it’s going to be good for me. We’ll just have to wait and see.”
After a few days, the farmer’s son was breaking and training the wild horses, and he was thrown off and broke his leg. The villagers came and said, “This is such bad fortune! Your son’s leg is broken, the horses will not be tamed, and he can’t help you to get your fields planted!”
But the old man said, “I don’t know if it’s going to be bad for me. We’ll just have to wait and see.”
After a few days, a war broke out and the Emperor’s soldiers came into the village to conscript all the able-bodied young men into the army. But since the old man’s son had a broken leg, he was left home on the farm. All the villagers came and said, “Oh that is so fortunate that your son was left behind, and now he can help you on the farm!”
But the old man said, “I don’t know if it is going to be good for me. We’ll just have to wait and see.”
Ways this story can be used in therapy:
When clients experience trauma they often immediately interpret it as a life-altering disaster. But this story tells us to have patience, and that something that looks bad at first, may in the long run have a completely different meaning with time. Clients can mindfully accept the reality of events and yet learn to gain some distance from the interpretation that others may expect the client to have. This independence of thought can be very empowering for trauma victims, who often feel powerless.
The Unhappy Russian Peasant
Once there was a peasant who was very unhappy with his wife. So he went to his Rabbi for counsel. “Rabbi,” the husband said, “I am very unhappy with my wife. She cooks badly. She doesn’t sweep. And she doesn’t mend my socks.”
The wise Rabbi said, “Do you have any chickens?”
The peasant said, “Yes, of course we have chickens. We live on a farm.”
“Good,” the Rabbi said. “Start keeping the chickens in your hut and come back next week.”
Well, the husband couldn’t see the use of keeping the chickens in his house, but he respected the wisdom of the Rabbi. So he let his ten chickens live inside his hut. The following week, the peasant came to the Rabbi. “Rabbi,” he said, “things in my marriage are worse than ever. Not only am I unhappy with my wife, but now I have all these chickens and their mess underfoot. How is this supposed to help me?”
The Rabbi said, “Do you have any goats?”
“Ah, yes,” the husband said, “We do have goats. We live on a farm.”
“Good,” the Rabbi said. “Start keeping the goats in your hut with the chickens and come back next week.”
That sounds terrible, the peasant thought. But he respected the Rabbi so he rounded up his five goats and kept them with his wife and the ten chickens in the hut. After a week, the poor, frustrated husband pleaded with the Rabbi. “Rabbi, I don’t know how much more of this I can take. Not only am I unhappy with my wife and all these chickens, but now I have all these goats with their mess in my humble hut. I’m about ready to tear out my beard!”
The Rabbi said, “Your wife’s mother — is she yet alive?”
“In fact, she is,” said the farmer hopefully. Perhaps he will tell me to send my wife to live with her mother, he thought.
“Good,” said the Rabbi. “Invite her to live with you and come back next week.”
Oh no! the husband thought. How can this possibly help my marriage? But he respected the Rabbi so much that he invited his mother-in-law to live in his crowded hut with his wife and all the animals. After a week, he returned to the Rabbi, worn to a frazzle because of all the turmoil in his home. “Please, Rabbi,” he begged, “I am exhausted and discouraged. Nothing you have told me to do has helped. Can you think of nothing else to help my marriage?”
The Rabbi said, “Now, go home and tell your mother-in-law to move out. Get the goats out. And shoo the chickens out. And come back next week if there is still a problem.”
The peasant didn’t return ever again.
Ways to use this story in therapy:
In couples therapy you can say, “Some problems in marriage have to do with our unmet needs. Others have to do with our unmet preferences. Part of the therapy process is to determine what your needs are and how to get those met. Another part of the therapy process is to realize what are just preferences and to put those into perspective. Sometimes we all need to realize that some little things are just little things and to overlook them for the peace in the family.
For CBT dealing with changing one’s thoughts you can ask, “Why wasn’t the man unhappy with his wife anymore? Maybe she still is a bad cook, housekeeper and sock darner . . . ? If his wife didn’t change, what changed?”
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The Unmovable Stump
A farmer bought a new farm. The new owner asked the old owner why a huge tree stump was left in the middle of the nicest field on the farm. It was huge. It was ugly. And it ruined the symmetry of the furrows in the field.
“Ye’ll find out,” the old farmer smiled, and he picked up his tools and left the farm.
Well, this new farmer was perplexed but determined. He hitched up his horses and tried to pull it out. The stump didn’t budge. He got his sharpest axe and tried chopping it out. But the wood was so tough that his axe handle broke three times. He tried putting dynamite under the trunk to blow it out of the ground. But after the explosion, the stump stood in all its stubborn glory, in a crater the size of a house.
It was truly impossible to move, so. . . he just plowed around it and raised a nice crop anyway.
Ways to use this story in therapy:
Mindfulness informs us that to accept certain conditions without fighting, battling, or stressing may be the most adaptive strategy we can use. Ask, “What might have happened to his crop if the farmer had spent the whole season battling with that stump? What are some of the advantages to accepting certain realities in our lives?”
Stories for Therapy 